I'm currently looking for part-time or casual work; initially a day or two a week, rising to (optionally) anywhere up to four out of the customary seven over the coming months.
The reasons for this are twofold. Firstly, I have conducted an audit of the Katy coffers, and found some buttons, a 1956 ha-penny, a self-signed IOU, and a startled moth. Secondly, since bowing out of my last triumphant engagement, I have gained an average of a kilogram of weight per month. If I must go up a size, the required op-shopping will only further strain the fiscal situation. No, I'm afraid there is nothing else for it but to become once more a productive member of society.
As I'm sure you can readily appreciate, this presents a remarkable opportunity for any employer looking for a dotty old lady to add some much-needed quirky heft to their team. Indeed who, in this age of rapid social and technological change, does not need an underling who goes beyond mere elementary competence (indeed in some respects slyly skirts it entirely) to deliver a powerful blend of the irrelevant, the amusing, the mystifying, and the frustrating, to customers and colleagues alike?
Here's a brief overview of what you get when you — deliberately or otherwise — upset a bottle of the Katy Factor into your talent pool:
Experience: Anybody can work their way up from the bottom. It takes a special kind of integrity and commitment to start at the bottom and anchor oneself firmly to it for three decades without budging in the slightest. From the mail room, to records management, to the copy centre, to bookkeeping, back to the mail room, to IT, to yet another mail room, to retail dogsbody, I have gamely resisted career advancement in return for a steadily diminishing real wage. Ask yourself how many assets in your business are self-maintaining and will only become cheaper to operate over time.
Rare and precious talents: An encyclopedic knowledge of 20th century pop culture is just the start. I'm a walking repository of abstruse knowledge, tangential insight, and peculiar tricks which can on occasion be surprisingly useful. Logically, you might think, it must therefore follow that the skills that most people master without difficulty would be utterly trivial for yours truly. Sadly, this is not necessarily the case, but what I do have is…
Stubbornness: When life gives me lemons, I will insist with utter conviction that lemons, and lots of them, were precisely what I asked for. When given a task for which I am utterly unsuited, I will push through the evident dismay of the colleagues working beside me and keep at it until I am at least as good as some rando you might drag in off the street to do the same. "Never less than barely adequate" is the Katy Guarantee.
You can contact me any time to take advantage of this remarkable opportunity, or to request further information in the unlikely event that you feel you need it.